The Truth About Infidelity (from a Portland Couples Counselor)
If you’ve been on either side of infidelity, you know how painful and overwhelming this experience can be. If your partner betrayed you, you may be feeling a lot of anger, confusion, self-doubt and fear. If you engaged in infidelity, you may be feeling a lot of shame, guilt, fear and uncertainty.
Our society tends to hold some strong views around infidelity. Maybe you’ve heard things like…
“If you stay with a partner you cheated, you’re a fool.
If you cheat on your partner, you’re a terrible person.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If someone cheated, the relationship clearly can’t work.”
With so much noise and judgment about infidelity, it can be hard to sort through how you really feel about it if it happens to you. People on either side of infidelity tend to experience this in isolation. Shame and insecurity may hold you back from sharing what you’re going through with others. But the reality is that infidelity is common. Around 17% of people cheat on their partners. When you consider that almost one in five relationships are impacted, it paints a clearer picture of just how many people are struggling with infidelity. Just because we aren’t talking about it openly, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. If around one in five people are cheating, it doesn’t seem very helpful to just write those folks off as terrible people or those relationships as destined to fail.
That’s where couples therapy can make an impact! In couples therapy, you can have support exploring why this infidelity happened, processing all the emotions around the situation, identifying hopes, wants, & boundaries, rebuilding your relationship (if desired), and beginning to repair the wounds this has created. To give you a sense of what couples therapy for infidelity may look like, I’d like to share some important truths about infidelity and some tips for how to navigate it.
“It’s possible to grow an even stronger relationship after infidelity.”
1. Infidelity is a relational trauma.
Infidelity is often a traumatic experience. To understand why this is the case, it’s helpful to understand the basics of attachment theory. Attachment theory is the idea that the bond we form with our caregivers early in life shapes how we connect with others as we get older (including romantic partners). As humans, we really long for secure attachment (feeling safe in a relationship). In romantic relationships, we form attachments and begin to connect our emotions, physical body, life experiences and future plans with our partner. Infidelity puts all of this into question. It can feel like our attachment needs are at risk. Infidelity often makes us feel unsafe and disconnected, which is really scary!
It’s completely disorienting and painful to have your relationship security threatened. And in this way, infidelity is a relational trauma. As with other kinds of trauma, this comes with a lot of consequences:
Anxiety & panic
Grief
Sleep issues
Depression
Triggers (things that remind you of the trauma)
Self-criticism
Restlessness
If you’re feeling any of this in the midst of navigating infidelity, you’re not alone. A part of couples therapy for infidelity is finding ways to address the trauma so that it’s not as overwhelming. Your couples therapist can offer tools for grounding individually and relationally when this trauma is triggered.
Couples counseling can help you reach new understandings and start rebuilding trust and intimacy sooner.
2. The impacts of infidelity will come in waves.
Because infidelity is a relational trauma, the impacts of it will come in waves. Sometimes trauma doesn’t impact us and other times it completely takes over, particularly if it’s triggered by something. An important thing to be aware of when you’re working through infidelity in couples therapy is that it is a process that takes time and it is not linear. Sometimes you will feel like you’re making progress at times and other times, you’ll feel like you’re moving backwards. This is normal and expected with any kind of trauma.
It’s important to have tools and strategies for navigating these waves in a way that is supportive, loving, and compassionate (both towards yourself and your partner).
3. It’s possible to grow an even stronger relationship after infidelity.
Sometimes infidelity leads to separation, and that’s okay. Relationships ending is not a failure and sometimes it’s best for everyone involved to move forward apart. However, the assumption that couples navigating infidelity are destined to break up is not true! It’s possible to grow an ever stronger relationship after infidelity.
Because infidelity can be so impactful, it often leads couples to examine their relationship in a more honest and authentic way. It can lead to really hard, but really important conversations about challenges in the relationship, unmet needs or wants, boundaries, sex, emotional connection and expectations.
Many people who engage in infidelity are emotionally avoidant. That is, they may struggle to be completely open about their feelings, wants and needs. Infidelity can be an avoidant way to address some of this. It doesn’t make it okay or truly helpful, but addressing the underlying feelings and avoidance around them can be transformative.
In couples therapy for infidelity, your therapist can help you and your partner explore what in the relationship may have contributed to the infidelity and what you both want for your relationship moving forward. It’s challenging to have such raw and vulnerable conversations about your relationship, but the outcome of this can be a much more fulfilling connection.
Through couples therapy, it’s possible to:
feel more connected to your partner
have a more fulfilling sexual relationship
feel more mutually satisfied in the relationship
Better understand yourself and your partner
Identify what you need to maintain a positive relationship moving forward
Infidelity is complex and challenging to navigate. Having support from a couples therapist and sex therapist specializing in infidelity can help you and your partner feel more grounded through the process. You deserve a container for the hurt and pain, support learning how to cope with the trauma, an ally who can see the humanness in you both, and an opportunity to explore what this means for your relationship moving forward.
If you’re seeking couples therapy for infidelity in Oregon, please reach out to schedule a free consultation.
About the Author…
Taylor Kravitz LMFT is a relationship & sex therapist in Portland, OR. She is the owner of Empowered Fulfillment Therapy, a group therapy practice specializes in couples therapy and sex therapy. You can learn more about Taylor & her team here: